Granny Pants
by Hongkongphooey
Summary: Third Prize Winner in Real Love Oneshot Contest. Bella wasn't expecting much from her Saturday night. She got a whole lot more than she bargained for but why oh why did she wear her old granny knickers? Bella/Edward AH OOC


_**Hello All. **_

_**Here is a little something I wrote for the Real Love Contest which I am proud to announce won third place. Hope you like it.**_

**Disclaimer: **_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Granny Pants

Saturday Night

Saturday night was the night for couples, in my experience. With all my friends being paired off I was used to spending them alone. Despite my mother always being on my case about getting out and meeting people, I was resistant. My previous encounters with men hadn't really gone all that well.

However, this Saturday I had given in and agreed to go out with my work colleague, Angela. She and her boyfriend Ben apparently wanted to try out some new bar they had heard about through their friends. I must admit this seemed a little strange to me. They were usually quite the stay at home couple but had decided they fancied a night out. I was suspicious. I had a feeling, a sinking feeling, this was a "Drag Bella Out" plan.

This had happened several times since the break up with my fiancé. We had been together a long time but it just wasn't meant to be. It certainly wasn't meant to be when I came home and found him in the arms of his best friend. His male best friend! Maybe that was why the sex was such a disaster?

It was certainly enough to put me off men for a very long time. So you could say tonight was not something I was looking forward to. At all. I had thought about faking an illness or a sprained ankle or something. However, with Angela being my workmate I would have to carry on the act into Monday and beyond and that was taking it a bit far.

So there I was at seven in the evening, staring at the contents of my wardrobe hoping for inspiration. There wasn't any. Oh well, after all it was nowhere swish, only a bar. So I settled for my best jeans and a slinky, fitted top that showed off my assets without appearing slutty. The last thing I needed was being drooled over by perverts. Sadly this seemed to happen all too frequently. When you are as "blessed" as I am up top, attention is unavoidable. This was why I tended to cover up at every opportunity and developed hunched shoulders.

This should have been an indicator that my ex was gay. After all what man didn't love boobs? Mike didn't. He was totally disinterested. Barely touched them.

I fought the urge to cover up with my hoodie and slipped on a leather jacket instead. A little makeup, tousled hair and I was ready to go. I was just zipping up my leather boots as the taxi sounded its horn outside. I grabbed my purse and keys and headed out the door.

Angela and Ben were all smiles as I climbed into the waiting car. Angela looked my outfit up and down, somewhat critically.

"I suppose you'll do, Bella" she remarked.

_Huh! She could talk!_ She wasn't dressed that much differently to me, I noticed.

Something was definitely afoot here. I could smell a setup for sure.

I was right. Outside the bar, Ben suddenly went all quiet and shuffled his feet.

"Um...so Bella a friend of mine from work might be meeting us here."

Oh no. Not another "friend from work" scenario. I had been through enough of those. There was Eric with the bad breath, Tyler with the grabby hands. I sighed deeply. Here we go again. What kind of loser would it be this time? Taking a deep breath I followed my friends into the bar.

It didn't look anything special inside. We found a quiet table in the corner while Ben went to fetch the drinks. Determined not to impress I insisted on ordering a pint. I would need the alcohol tonight that was for sure.

I looked around, turning my eyes toward the bar and noticed Ben talking to someone.

_Uh oh, this was it then. _

All I could see of him was a back view. He didn't look too bad. Nice and tall with fairly broad shoulders. Brownish messy looking hair. Well of course it could be a completely different story once he turned around. I glanced away, waiting for the inevitable.

Angela tried to distract me with random chit chat; she could sense my unease.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she apologised, looking genuinely sorry

"It's alright," I murmured, grumpily.

"Really, I'm sorry," Angela continued. "I know you hate this kind of thing but Ben was talking to Edward at work and he was saying how he's new to the area, doesn't know anyone etc. I think he took pity on him. And you're the only single person we know so..."

_Yeah. Rub it in why don'cha?_

I sighed heavily and waited for this mysterious "Edward" to make his approach. Interesting name. Old-fashioned. Oh god. Ben worked in IT. Not another geek? All pasty, pale and spotty, and likely obsessed with computer games. Bloody hell! Why didn't I try harder to get out of this? I tried to repress the shudder as I stared down at the table and started shredding a beer mat.

I didn't hear their footsteps, but I sensed their approach, as a pint of my favourite cider was unceremoniously plonked in front of me.

"Here ya go, Bella. So this is my friend, Edward Cullen."

Ben smiled warmly then gestured to the person standing by his side.

The...

_Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt._

I nearly fell off my stool. He was hot. Seriously hot.

He was pale, yes, but with chiselled good looks and sparkling green eyes that were twinkling at me. I looked away, quickly feeling my cheeks start to flame.

_Oh bugger._ Why oh why didn't I dress up tonight? This was just typical. The one blind date I might actually have enjoyed and he probably wouldn't look twice at me now.

Wait a minute. What was that? A brief flicker of actual interest in a male? I squashed it down, as I took a swig of my drink to calm my nerves.

My senses were, however, on high alert. I jumped like a nervous animal as I felt him sit down next to me, his arm accidentally brushing mine.

"Hi there, Bella," he spoke softly, with a warm smile.

Dammit, I had to look at him again. I glanced up into those deep green eyes again.

He was gorgeous.

"Hi, Edward." I tried to smile, hoping it was a winning smile and not a grimace.

He extended a hand. I took it nervously, hoping my sweaty palm wouldn't put him off.

He grasped my hand, nice and firmly. Hmm there was no limp handshake there, just tingling warmth. Interesting. I released his hand and rested mine on the table. Once Edward's glance was diverted I surreptitiously wiped my palm on my jeans, just in case. I appeared to have a bad case of the nerves. This was ridiculous.

At the first opportunity I excused myself to the Ladies, catching Angela's eye implying she come with me. Luckily she caught on pretty fast. Once in the safety of the loo I felt able to breathe. I leaned heavily against the wall trying to pull myself together.

"Bella?" Angela queried, as she watched me curiously. "Didn't you need to...?"

She gestured towards the cubicle.

"Umm – no I didn't I just needed a few minutes," I confessed.

Angela frowned at me, confused.

"A few minutes?"

"It's Edward – he's just so..."

Words literally failed me. I hung my head feeling like a teenager with a crush.

"Dreamy? Gorgeous? Downright fuckhot?" Angela chuckled, enjoying my distress.

"I bet you're glad we dragged you out now, huh?

I glared at her.

"You – you knew?"

"Yes, I've met him before. See Bella, you should trust me when I tell you things are worth it." Angela looked smug now. "Now get back out there and knock him dead."

I glanced in the mirror. Luckily nothing too awful was going on with my appearance. No makeup smudges, lipstick on my teeth or bra straps showing. I fluffed up my hair one more time and decided to put my best foot forward.

The gods decided to smile on me for the rest of the evening. Once I relaxed, everything seemed to flow nicely. Edward was perfectly charming and we seemed to make the perfect foursome, filling the time with easy conversation. We talked about our work – luckily they kept the IT talk to a minimum – our interests – we were both fans of books and music, and Edward told us about his hilarious housemates and his attempts to settle into the area.

As time passed I noticed Angela and Ben becoming more reticent, letting Edward and I lead the evening; they were almost sitting back and watching us. Then the fake yawns started.

_Seriously, could they be any more obvious?_

Apparently they could. Claims they needed an early night and the insistence Edward and I stayed on. If I was honest I really didn't want to go home just yet.

So we stayed for another drink. Or two. Or three. I started to feel pleasantly fuzzy. Luckily at that point Edward decided it was time to call it a night. Heaven knows what might have happened if I got too drunk. As it was, it was difficult not to simply sit there and drool over him.

Ever the gentleman, Edward waited with me until my taxi arrived. I stood nervously next to him, fidgeting with my hair. What next? Did I have to wait for the whole "I'll call you" routine.

Evidently I didn't. As I stumbled and fell into the back seat of the taxi someone climbed in right beside me. I glanced at Edward in puzzlement. I was sure he said he lived on the other side of town.

"Um...what are you?" I blinked at him, confused.

"I'm seeing you home Bella," he grinned mischievously as he made himself comfortable next to me on the back seat.

The ride home was purgatory.

I was hyper aware of the hot man sitting right next to me. I could feel the warmth as his thigh brushed mine. My nerves were tingling. I so, so wanted to touch him. I could almost feel my fingers inching towards his thigh.

Edward seemed oblivious to this, glancing out the window curiously, watching as the taxi driver fought to negotiate his way through the myriad of lights and lane changes that made up the one-way system.

Then it happened.

There was a loud curse as someone cut us off at the lights and we were forced to swerve. No danger of an accident, but I slide across the seat as I wasn't wearing a seat belt and straight into Edward's lap.

His warm, firm lap. I couldn't help but gasp feeling his firm thigh muscles underneath me. Two long arms wrapped tightly around me and a velvet voice whispered in my ear.

"I think I had better hold onto you, Bella,"

I quivered as his warm breath caressed my ear. I could feel the tingles all over. Surely this wasn't just me? I wasn't just crushing like some sad, horny single woman?

Turning my head, I realised I wasn't alone in this. Edward's eyes locked with mine and the look in them was pure hunger.

Now or never Bella.

I raised my hand and laid it on his jaw. He leaned instinctively into my touch. Okay he wasn't pushing me away so I was going to go for it. I leaned in towards his lips and...

"Here you go, luv," called the taxi driver. Glancing up I noticed we had arrived outside my house.

_Bugger. Bugger. The gods really did hate me._

I hopped out of the taxi and rummaged in my purse for the fare. Before I could pay it, however, the taxi drove off. I turned, bewildered.

Edward had paid the driver. Edward was standing there. Outside my home.

Maybe the universe didn't hate me after all.

He gestured towards the door.

"May I come in?"

_Hell yes, you can come in. And get acquainted with my bedroom..._

I shook my head to clear the lust-induced thoughts.

"Or I could go home, I'm sorry I didn't mean to presume..."

Edward thought I was saying no.

_Rectify this now Bella before this gorgeous man slips through your fingers._

"It's fine," I replied, smiling, as I reached into my pocket for my keys. "Come on in."

I crossed my fingers as I walked in. I was pretty sure my housemate Chelsea was out, she had mentioned a hot date earlier. There wasn't too much mess around either.

I paused in the hallway, placing my keys on the table.

"Can I get you anything to drink, Edward?" I asked politely. Making and drinking coffee would help me keep me from jumping him. Well, temporarily.

"Water would be nice, thank you."

I grabbed us a glass each and turned to face him. Alas my nerves caused me to stumble and slosh a considerable amount straight down my front.

Clumsy Bella strikes again.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath. I shrugged off my jacket and placed it over a chair. I could temporarily put up with the wet, clingy shirt for now. I turned to face Edward.

He was transfixed. Like a cartoon character with his eyes about to pop out.

I frowned, confused. What the...

_Oh. _

I glanced down and saw exactly what he was staring at. My wet shirt was clinging to my ample chest. My ample, wet chest with nipples protruding from the cold water shower.

_Damn you t-shirt bra! You were supposed to stop things like this._

Edward looked like a man possessed. His hands in fists by his side, jaw clenched as he fought to control himself.

He blinked furiously as I tried to salvage the situation. _Way to go, Bella._ Invite a man back to your place then promptly give him a wet t shirt show. I crossed my arms over my chest to try and rectify things, but this just increased my cleavage.

"Shit – sorry Edward, I'll just..." I was about to flee to my room and change when his voice growled out.

"Take it off."

I turned back to face him.

His hungry look had been replaced by an impish grin.

"Just take it off, Bella. I don't mind." He winked at me.

He was challenging me here. Should I flee like a startled rabbit or stand there and brazen it out?

Dammit, I was going for this. There was a sexy man in my kitchen asking me to take my top off. My alcohol fuelled courage won out.

I looked him straight in the eye and slowly peeled the shirt off, and threw it to the floor.

I glanced down and realised this was not the sexiest bra in the world. Plain and grey from my ineptitude at laundry sorting. Hopefully my boobs would win out. They did.

Edward stalked towards me like a hunter to his prey. In a moment, his lips were on mine. This time I did get to kiss him. We devoured each other like starving animals. Within moments our hands were everywhere. His were squeezing my backside, mine were in his hair. We were a panting, gasping mess. The kiss was only broken for Edward to say one word.

"Bedroom?"

I gasped out a quick yes and we kissed and groped our way there, bouncing off the furniture on the way. Edward even did that sexy thing where he kicked the door shut behind us. He backed me towards the bed and I collapsedon it in a heap, pulling him on top of me.

He was everywhere. Lips kissing, sucking, biting all over my neck and chest. My ugly old bra was soon askew. Edward tugged the straps down with his teeth; the moment only being broken when he struggled to get the worn clasp undone and I had to help him out. This didn't kill his ardour though, as his mouth descended upon my nipples, sucking and biting and licking as if his life depended upon it.

I writhed from the sheer pleasure. No one had ever attended to my boobs like this. I was in heaven, almost delirious with pleasure until I realised his hands were heading south, to the button on my jeans, to be precise. Then something sobering washed over me.

Oh shit. The underpants. I was wearing my old, grey comfortable granny knickers.

_Well, dammit, how was I supposed to know I would pull tonight? _

Thank heavens everything else down there was in order. I might be a slob clothes wise but I had certain standards.

_Shit. What could I do? Stop him? Wriggle out of my clothes and dart under the covers? Maybe turn off the light?_

Too late. With a tug and a yank my jeans were on the floor and someone was kissing their way down my belly, intent upon their destination.

I swear I heard him chuckle. I could feel it against my belly. He was laughing at my undies.

_Bastard._

"I, I didn't expect to..." I felt an all over body blush at the thought of this gorgeous man face to face with my ugly knickers. I instinctively flinched away.

Edward's head shot up instantly.

"Hey, hey it's , Bella. I was just teasing. Forgive me. I've just never seen a pair quite like that before..." He broke out into fresh chuckles. "Sorry."

I soon forgot all about my embarrassment as his lips were on my thighs. When he removed my offending undies with his teeth, tugging them down, I lost all reasonable thought. His mouth was on me. Sucking, licking, exploring. I really was in heaven this time.

No one had ever done that before. My ex insisted it "wasn't for him" so it never happened.

Bloody hell I had been missing out because Edward drove me to ecstasy with his tongue and his fingers. It was extremely fortunate Chelsea wasn't home as I was soon screaming his name.

He looked up at me with a satisfied smirk as I lay on the bed, a quivering, sated heap. Placing one last kiss on me he stood and removed his jeans, rummaging in this wallet for a condom.

"Damn," he muttered. Of course the heavens hated us so he didn't have one on him. "I'm sorry Bella, I didn't expect to..."

His gorgeous voice tailed off. His face was like a little boy who'd lost his puppy.

I was pretty sure I didn't have one. I never carried the damn things. I rummaged through my drawer just in case, of course dislodging my beloved Rabbit that lived there- the single girl's best friend.

Then I found it.

Lurking in the bottom of my drawer was a condom. I had no recollection of it getting there. Must have got in with my things by accident.

I held it up like the Holy Grail. Edward's face lit up. As did mine when he tugged down his boxers and I saw the impressive sight that was inside. I think I may have drooled a little.

Edward chuckled.

"My eyes are up here, Bella."

I gazed up at him and he winked. He tortured me a little, slowly stroking himself as he rolled on the condom. I scooted back up the bed, ready, so ready for him. He crawled towards me, almost panting with want. I grabbed at him, a little too eagerly and he face planted into my cleavage. Cue my attack of the naughty giggles.

This was not going well. However, I had no time to dwell on it. Edward kissed and licked his way back up nudging at my entrance eagerly. I grabbed his backside enthusiastically pulling him in and...

Ow. Ow. Ow. _Shit that smarts._

Yeah I think I misjudged how large Edward really was. Much more than I had been used to. I closed my eyes to hide the watering. Edward seemed to think this was in ecstasy and pulled out before plunging all the way back in.

I busied myself kissing all over his neck and shoulder in an attempt to distract myself from the invasion. After all, I could give him this right? The man had just given me the most incredible orgasm. I lifted my legs higher, urging him on.

Then something truly miraculous happened. It started to feel good. The change in angle must have helped. It felt so good I was writhing and clawing at his back urging and begging for more. We both lost control as Edward drove harder and faster. We weren't even affected by the squishy noises I made as things got sloppier.

Several more frantic thrusts later and I fell apart from my first ever intercourse-induced orgasm. Edward followed almost instantly, biting my shoulder hard.

_Ouch. That hurt._

"Oops." He smiled sheepishly, eyes glazed from his orgasm, as he kissed my shoulder better.

I slumped back against the sheets, feeling exhausted from one of the most bizarre but best fucks of my life. After getting up to dispose of the condom Edward pulled me into his arms and I curled up contentedly on his chest.

This truly had been an amazing night. Despite the granny pants.

_**Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you thought. **_

_**Huge thanks to annetteinoz and Super Beta EMCxo as always.**_


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